突然好想你.. i cant help but continue to think of you today.. its been so many years and yet the sight and thought you brings back all the memories.

i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw you walking down that street. i so desperately wanted to run up to you as if all was the same, but yet i couldnt bring myself to even say.

and as i slowly walked back, i couldnt control the tears streaming down my face.

its been 5 years, and i thought i had let it all go. but today i suddenly missed you.

and so i'm listening to this song, trying to fight back the tears.

counting down the days..

its gonna be an eventful 2 weeks coming up :)

2 days till: I leave Tbay forever.. its been interesting living up here for the last two years.. rather useless academic wise.. but i've met some kewl ppl, and what not. glad to be leaving tho. i'm definetly more a big city person

4 days till: shopping in Michigan!!! xmas shopping & bday shopping!! woot woot!

5 days till: i'm back @ home in newmarket.. for the the next 1.5-2 years at least.. gonna start an ECE program @ seneca in january.. it'll be good :)

10 days till: MY BDAY!!! omg. i cant believe i'm turning 25. i'm getting so old.. and i feel liek i still havent done much with my life in the last 25 years..

: going to see WICKED!!! sweet!! got balcony seats for the show!! going with krystle & jo... heard its pretty good.. i've seen it before but it's still gonna be pretty awesome

11 days till: bday dinner with some friends

12 days till: bday paintball & dinner with the cds folk :P i havent gone to paintball since i was like 17.. its been a while.. it'll be good.. i'll bruise like a peach.. haha

13 days till: mini windsor reunion w/wynne & eunice.. plans feel thru to meet up during the summer.. so it'll be nice to just sit down and lunch with the girls

15 days till: i board a plane to head back to hk for the winter season :) im so looking forward to actually getting to spend christmas with my family in hk.. i havent been back in hk for almost 1.5 years now.. i havent been back for the winter time in almost 20 years.. i missed out on family xmas last year.. so i'm definetly gonna make this xmas awesome :)

lots planned for my 2 mths back in hk.. macau & water dance show with the extended fam.. lots of lunches & dinners with the fam fam.. meeting up with friends.. getting to just be there will be awesome :) possibly a family trip or two..

i'll get to see some of my previous students again while i sub-teach @ my old work.. i miss those cutie pies :P

i've really missed the uber crowded, extremely loud, and rowdy family dinners... they're loads of fun..

so yup.. exciting 15 days ahead...

and so it has been decided..

its a decision that I know nobody will understand.. a decision that nobody will like.. but its a decision that I have made.. and that I will live with.

don't get me wrong. I am in no way giving up or giving in. I just need a break from it all. im just so tired of doing things according to how people want it done.. i want to do things at my own pace.

i've come to the realization that i'm not like everybody else. i never was.. and i probably never will. i've learnt to accept that. i am ok with that now. it may sometimes still bother me.. but thats the truth. i'm me and nobody else.

why should i continue to do the things i want to according to someone else's schedule.. especially when i know its too fast-paced, too hectic for me?? i shouldnt have to compromise if i know the end result is unsatisfactory.

now comes the hard part. how do i explain it all to them?? how do i tell them that I'm yet again making more changes... how do i say it in a way that doesnt disappoint them? or disappoint them the least?

how do i tell them that everything that i had told them previously was one giant lie?

although in the end, i know it will be ok. they have always told me they'll stick with me through it all and i believe them. i just don't know how to go through with it.

oh dear God grant me the wisdom, help me to be truthful.. grant me the words..

oh dear Lord, I pray for your guidance to lead me down this path.

how many people would still luv me for who i am if they knew the real me??

in the last 5 days, i have found myself to be the butt of one too many jokes... and it makes me wonder.. are they really joking or is it what they really feel inside??

i have known these people for some many years.. and i'd like to think that they are truly my real friends..

but in the midst of all the things that are going on with my life right now, i can't help but wonder.. if i decided to change it all, would they still be there for me? would they support me and have faith in me like they said they would??

or will all the changes bring too much disappointment and sadness and betrayal for them?

its been 1 mth and i still don't know what i'm going to do.. i know what my options are yet i cant seem to decide. it seems like my life has always been about changes.. and decisions... never once has it been a conclusion. a finish line.

how i wish that i could have that life.

lots have happened since coming back to toronto in april.. most of them bad.. but it's taught me that live is a rollercoaster.. there are ups and downs.. if i never deal with the bad, the good will never come..


there's now so much that i need to figure out.. gotta make decisions.. most life changing.. and figure how to tell the ppl i luv the most why i made that choice...

do i just be honest and tell the gut wrenching truth?? or do i sugar coat it to avoid their disappointment and sadness??

aaah.. life is so complicating sometimes


on the bright side, while all this troublesome stuff is going on .. i can look forward to some fun things in my near future.. it may not make all my troubles and worries away, but it'll definetly help keep me sane and a little less stressed ...

got 2 reservations for summerlicious coming up.. get to go have some chit chat times with some good friends..

going up to bobcaygeon for beach and sun and visit my friend next week :)

and then from 28-aug 1.. i'll be in nyc for some much need r&r, shopping,and foood.. lots and lots of food..

hopefully the little time away from stress and home will give me some much need perspective on what i have to do....

Happy bday Jo!!

134 days of change.....

simple, yet achievable resolutions...

they are a little late.. i mean it is april.. usually ppl make these things at the beginnign of the year.. but oh well. better late than never..

its something new i'm doing.. ive never really been into the the whole short term goal setting/ or any goal setting to be honest. but recently come to the realization i really need to get everything sorted out in my life, or i'm once again gonna end up nowhere..

so here i am at 2:55AM in the middle of exam season.. and here are my goals.

from april 26th onwards until September 7th.. pretty much my whole summer...

1) work out at least 4 times a week.. whether it be swimming for an hour, or cardio and weights.. (surprisingly, this will be one of my easier goals.. since i'm moving into a condo for the summer w/an indoor pool and fitness room just downstairs )

2) eating a whole LOT healthier.. which means.. 95% less junk food.. less carbs.. eatting actual meals throughout the day

3) studying for my spring/summer courses.. and actually doing the readings and assignments.. that's been really one of my biggest failures.. i had previously managed to do semi-ok in uni with very minimal work.. but its not working anymore.. my brain isnt absorbing as much in a short period of time.. so i really gotta step it up now!!!!

4) save up $$ for NYC ... most likely gonna be going to NYC at the end of july/beginn of august.. so i definietly need to spend less from now till then, so i have $ for good food, shopping, broadway show, etc!!

5) spend less time on the internet.. i really really do need to cut back my time on facebook, and checking my email, and random surfing websites... if i cut back on my internet time, i will have have time to do other things like: work out, study, clean my room, read

6) have a consistent sleep schedule and pattern.. that may seem kind of stupid, but for those who know me, i have chronic insomnia.. and i can never really seem to fall asleep when i need to, hence i'm writing this at 3AM. I need to figure out a good sleep pattern that will allow to fall asleep at a decent hour, and wake up at a reasonable time, while still maintaing a certain amt of energy during the day, with little or no caffeine.

my full year goals...

1)i want to have the course creds and marks to graduate DEC 2010.. though i have decided that i will take an extra semester to pull up marks.. but that is my goal

2)when back in school, to work out at least 3 times a week..whether it be just walkign the dog, or goign for a run, or to the gym or whatever. NEED to sweat at least 3 times a week :P

3) SPEND LESS.. OMG.. one of my biggest failures.. i can't seem to ever not spend $.. not for very long periods of time at least.. i've gotten a bit better over the last 1.5 years.. bought less.. bought less frequently... bought items with a lower $$$.. but still gotta work on it..

4) have at least $2500 saved at the end of the school year... not for any particular reason.. just something i want to have done.. it may not seem like a big amt.. but this would be a big change to my "live each paycheque to paycheque" life that i currently and have in the past lived would be a VERY DRASTIC change.

5) and again.. spend less time on the internet. i want to set an actual limit like daily for myself.. i'm not sure what exactly is a plausible amt for me yet, as i really gotta test how long i can go without the internet.. but once i have set that limit for myself, i need to stick to it..


so from april 26 -sept 7.. 134 days.. I can do it!!! i can get through those 134 days.. and i can get through the rest of year !!! i can do it.. I HAVE TO DO IT!!!

8869 days on this earth.. and i've finally realized it. and i'm not longer afraid to admit. at this moment in time, i really don't like the person i become. there are so many things that i wish i could change about myself. i really wish that in life there was just this rewind button that allowed us to go back in time to change anything we needed to, or in my opinion pretty much everything i've ever done.

i'm not happy with me. ive spent 24 years of my life on earth and i haven't done anything that i'm truly proud of. i've never done something that i truly loved or enjoyed. i've never worked really hard in my life. i've made up just about every excuse there is to explain my lack of determination or perseverance and or just to explain my utmost and ridiculous laziness. i don't know what it is but i just can never seem to get into it.

i have known some pretty great people in my 24 years on earth. family. friends. schoolmates. whoever. and some of these people, i truly do envy and am jealous of. some of these people know what it is they want in life and work hard to get there. some people are smart, hardworking, beautiful, kind, popular to name a few. i have always wished i could be like them. i've always wanted to be that smart athletic kid in school who got straight A's or was popular, or was particularly good at something. i never was that child. and i'm still not that person. and i don't think i ever will.

sometimes i lay awake at night just wondering and hoping and dreaming.. just maybe perhaps i'll be lucky enough to wake up the next morning to be a completely different person. someone living a different life. maybe having been given the chance to go back in time. so i could correct all the mistakes in life.

go back to elementary school.. practice the piano more. be more athletic. study more. do well in school. go back to high school.. study and try in school so i could have better grades. have better grades and get into a better university. been more courageous in everything i did. take risks. been more athletic. been a better friend. go back to my first year @ uni. attended classes, studied, did my readings, tried 100000X harder. if i had just listened to other ppl's advice and did all those things. i wouldnt be who i am now. i would be a better me. .....

and not instead be 24 years old.. still in university.. still trying to complete an undergrad.. in a far away town.. doing horribly in school.. pretty much being anti-social with like no friends.. completely not sure of who i am.. not content with who i am.

and nothing that i try to do can make this feeling go away. i try. i truly do. i make efforts to change but i cant. theres nothing more i can do. and this feeling just kills me.

been having so much trouble getting back into the grove of things since i came back from christmas break.. don't really know why.. i'm slowly becoming more and more behind and i cant seem to catch up.. its only the 3rd week back and i'm already feeling that way.. i desperately need more Determination and Perserverance..

help help help.

THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN!!!!

not that this ever does anything.. but i like making a list..
so here it is..

things i would luv to have :) :)
1. Friends Seasons 3-7 ( wohoo.. i have season 8,9,10 now.. sweet deal @ walmart)
2. Family Guy VOL 2, 5-7 (got vol 3& 4..again a sweat deal @ walmart)
3. NIKON D60 W/18-55 VR & 55-200 NON VR (ordered!!! coming in the mail!!)
4. Coach Parker Hobo
5. Coach Poppy Tartan Large Wristlet
6. Coach Madison/Poppy Wristlet
7. Coach multi-stars spinner keychain
8. TNA hoodie (haha. i limit myself to only one each winter.. otherwise i'd go overboard)
9. Remix Lulu Hoodie in CLASSIC SPORT GREY ENCHANTED MANIFESTO
10. Remix Lulu Hoodie in BLACK/POTION PURPLE
11. SIGG bottle in Kaleidoscope (my mommi found my old bottle and brought it up to tbay for me :)
12. COLUMBIA Paris Jacket (got the Roxy Insulated Jet 5K jacket.. $30 bucks off @ west 49..)

i heart having bday $.. got to cross a couple of things off my list.. :) :)