i finally realized today.. how much i am actually worth to my friends.. and u know what is?? i was a lil surprised..


NOTHING!!!!!!!!

absolutely nothing.. i mean i never expected to be worth a lot.. but at least just a lil something.. just even the tiniest lil amoutn.. i didn't know that i was nothign to them.. worth absolutely nothing


i mean.. this coming weekend is my birthday weekend.. and i told my friends.. that i was gonna come spend the weekend with them.. thats how much i wanted to get to spend time with them.. cuz i missed them.. i wanted to be with them.. get to enjoy some happy moments with them.. and i told them like weeks in advance.. and when i told them.. they were like.. oh yeah.. i'll be so much fun.. i can't wait..


and now i found out now.. that out fo the ones i asked and was hoping to get to hang out with.. only one is actually gonna be able to hang out with me.. one decided to go home.. althought i told them.. another decided that he didn't have tiem for me!!

i mean.. is it too much to ask to have ur friends to spend one day together? not even.. just a few hours on a friday nite with u?? especially since ur paying $50 for a train fare to go visit them?? $50 that i had to pay out of my own birthday money.. to go visit them?? thats how much i missed them.. and wanted to see them

and the decency of them.. they couldn't even bother to tell me.. until i asked what was gonna happen.. for this coming weekend.. i mean..

and this made me realize.. i'm nothign to them.. they don't care.. at all..

i mean.. i've spent the so many years with these ppl.. and i thoght that we were friends.. in fact good friends.. and i guess...

it was all just my imagination.. i was never anything to them.. just a figment of my imagination..

makes u wonder.. how many other ppl think that way??how many other ppl don't treasure u? how many other ppl could care less if u weren't there?? how many ppl wouldn't even notice if u had disappeared?? how many other people had never cared?
how many??

appaarently, for me...

a lot.