it honestly feels like i'm gonna collapse..
both mentally and physically

my body has worsened.. once again.. honestly i sometimes wish i could just take someone else's body.. at least it'd be less medicated.. less surgical scars.. less pain.. less discomfort..

medications never seem to help.. in fact.. they usually worsen more than anything..
now all fo the old stomach, heart, lungs, and sleep problems are back and for the worse.. i don't even kno know how i survive each day.. its so hard to just get up .. let alone go to class.. do work.. read.. write my midterms..

i honestly wanna just drop a few of my courses.. be part time..
at least i'd be less busy.. have a lil more energy..

but OF COURSE>. i don't have that option.

and mentally.. this whole sick thing isnt doing wonders for me mentally either.. to be truthful.. sometimes i just think about giving up .. no more meds. no more doctors.. no more surgeries.. and just let my body kill itself on its own pace.. i'm so tired of being given false hope.. and then just being slapped right back in the face. falling farther down into the endless pit.


and with all the thing im dealing with now.. family and skewl.. thats taking its toll on my body as well..

i never thought my family was the kind that.. i dunno even kno how to describe it.. let just say.. theres an incredible amount of things that worrie me rite now..
i don't think i've cried as much in the last year as i have in the last 30 something hours..
and the thing is.. theres not a thing i can do about it.. nobody seems willing to tell me the truth.. nor will they bother to at least tell me a reasonable excuse.. i mean they will be lying.. but at least i'd feel better about it.. its selfish i kno that.. but in the end.. it only hurts more when you find out.. after everybody.. EVERYBODY!!!! knows.. ur the very last one to find out.. but you're a part of that family too.. it kinda makes u feel like..not important.. that nobody really thinks of u as a part of that family?? i don't even kno what to think anymore.. my brain is so tired from thinking...

all i can say.. is my life suxs.. and its collapsing on me.. my life .. i don't even what it is.. the life i thought i had.. is one truly distorted image in my mind rite now.. it doesn't make sense.. it has no meaning.. it's just one complete blur