sometimes i seriously wonder if life is worth living.. i mean .. all the pain and sorrow .. all the obstacles that we have to face.. problems after problem..
its not like life ever gets better to the state of being conflict free.. so then what exactly am i living for?

nothing

i have nothing to look forward.. no goal in life..
nothing to work hard for.. and everytime i try to work for something.. it never works out.. everything just come tumbling down..

nothing ever goes rite for me.. i can't remember the last time that things ever went smoothly for me.. i dunt think ever.

i kno that you're not suppose to give up.. and you're suppose to look on the bright side. all those stupid sayings.. tommorow's a new day.. things will get better.. its all completely bullshit..

the only ppl who say that are those who have everything.. life has worked out perfectly for them..

what about those who life didn't work out perfectly? what are they suppose to do?

i'm at the end of my string.. what can i do

aah.. been home for a good 3 weeks now.. its been a good 3 weeks i'd say.. a rather bother but good 3 weeks.. i've caught up on all my sleep.. :P which is good.. and i've gotten to hang out with some ppl while i've been home :)

13 days till hk.. and in that time being.. i have a load of stuff to do..

BIGGEST THING- convince my dad about culinary
if convincable.. then gotta figure out some apps stuff.
-shop for work clothes
-shop for gifts for my lil cousins
-softball/basketball/ some sort of exercise
-finish shopping for grad gifts
- get my passport back
-unpack all my stuff from uni..
-pack all my clothes & stuff for hk..

but b4 all that.. i'm really excited for the next two weeks.... lots of fun stuff planned

-tiffs coming home!!! yeah.. girls night out!! jazz club ... desserts & drinks!!! weeee
-bbq!!!!! woohoo i luv bbq!!!!haha
-jam sessions with the maestro.. haha.. when u coming home btw?

so yeah.. i'll miss everybody while i'm in hk.. i guarantee that..

man.. i never really realized that i missed a lot of things.. well not just things.. events.. places.. people.. sitting here in windsor at 7am on a friday morning.. not having yet gone to bed since thursday at 4pm.. anyhow.. beside the point.. i miss a lot of things...

i miss high skewl.. i kinda somewhat miss going to class.. well at least my high skewl classes..the small classes.. the close knit environment.. all my friends .. the teachers.. sadly i even miss my old school uniform..the old ugly blazer, tie and kilt.. i guess i kinda miss the organization of high skewl.. how everything was so planned out..i miss going to all my classes, then out to lunch with the girls.. and skipping classes.. and going back to skewl just for pratices.. i can't even really remember what my high skewl band and choir pratices were like anymore.. but i guess the thing i miss most of all about high skewl would be being on the basketball and softball teams.. i remember on a beautiful sunny day in april.. i'd be outside in the back field with all my girly girls.. batting it up..doing some good ol'catching and pitchin.. man i really do miss it all.. aaawww.. basketball.. i miss that a lot too.. not just the sport but the whole being on a team environment thing.. i mean.. i miss all the girls.. some of them i'd played with them the whole 4 years.. and one of them for 6 years.. since elementary skewl.. back then.. i guess i just miss getting to play my game with them.. i mean i haven't played softball or basketball in a really long time.. :(


i miss home.. technically i'd only been away from home less than a month.. but the last time i was back.. it wasn't really home.. i miss having my whole family at home.. i miss having a good family dinner.. the last we had a full family dinner.. was in the summer.. when my mom, dad, miranda, ivan and i deleberately set a day aside to go have dinner in hk. i mean we were all so consumed with work and play and wut not.. and since then we haven't had one.. mainly cuz miranda's been in hk ever since and hasn't come back yet..
this year has been so different.. my mom's been gone for most of the past 8 months.. she came back from hk.. then hthe states..then vancouver.. then ottawa.. then panama.. and now hk again.. and without my mom around.. my brother and i dun have much a motivation to go back home to newmarket much.. so even just the 4 of us minus my sister.. we haven't had a family dinner since .. i dun even kno if we had one.. i miss having the whole family around.. i miss living at home with the whole family.. back then.. our house will be really loud.. me n the siblings fighting all the time.. fighting over ever lil possible thing.. whether it be the computer.. or the tv.. or the phone or even just to complain to my mom about each other.. its definetly different now..


i miss a lot of things..

feli & i
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wynne, faith , and I
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eunice & i
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english group pic
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and cutesy wei wei too..
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and lil wynonna too
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im gonna miss lil ethan.. so cute :)
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the chinese bois
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ryan & i.. jeff in the background
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steve & i.. haha
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dorothy & i
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danit & i
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tonite was the grad dinner for Timothy fellowship @ wcbc..we had a nice dress up dinner for all the grads.. and tho i wasn't graduating.. they included me in the list.. cuz well i'm leaving windsor.. and it was really nice..and lots of fun.. haha.. mad picture fest.. everyone took so many pics.. and it was nice seeing almost everybody get dressed up.. cuz normally we're all like sweat pants and flip flops.. hehe :P

kinda made me realize.. that my time here in windsor is soon to be over.. im leaving on i believe the 24th .. and im gonna miss all my friends here.. :( i've gotten to kno some of them quite well and its kinda sad to be leaving..

i dunno when i will see them nxt.. the fellowship is having a retreat in toronto sometime in june/july.. but then i'm not here.. and by the time i get back from hk.. they'll all be in skewl.. and i dun kno if ill have the time to come down and visit..

im gonna miss certain things in windsor.. skewl most def not.. but ppl yeah.. :P

so i've been dealing with a dilemna for the last lil while.. and things are so complicating..
i mean.. i thought i knew exactly what was going on.. in regards to where i was going and what i was going to study and wut not next year..

but as things seem now.. i have no idea.. well i kno where it is i wanna go and wut i wanna do.. but things dun seem to be going too smoothly for me.. main thing being..theres a very big hurdle in front of me.. and im at a stump as to what i should do.. theres basically 2 options

1) do what others are telling me... i dun piss anybody off or hurt anybody's feelings but then i kinda end up hurting my own feelings.. forcing myself to do something i dun really wanna do

2) do what it is I kno i want to do.. but resulting in people's disappointments, anger, confusion, pissed off.. and the list goes on.. i mean im not the kinda person to seriously want to do something that will hurt other ppl's feelings..

now what the hell am i suppose to do? i dun wanna be selfish and just do what i want to do.. but then at the same time.. i kinda realized that i'm at this stump because i didnt really voice my opinions back in the day..

to be honest i've never really been someone to want to go against everybody or in another words.. im kinda a follower.. have always been tho sometimes i dunt act it.. i hate being alone.. not being in a group.. i've always kinda rather be a silent member of a group than being the very active leader of the group..

and i find that often because of that i get myself into situations that i dun necessarily enjoy and miss out on the things that i do..

during the last year of high skewl.. just like any other graduating high skewl student.. i contemplated on my life.. what was i to do after graduation.. what did i want my career to be.. etc.. all those questions.. unlike some ppl.. the answers weren't clear to me at all.. i honestly didn't really know..

i mean.. academically wise.. i never was all that bright.. i mean i had alrite grades.. but i wasnt smart or anything.. i wasnt all that good at math and sciences... i worked my ass off in those classes and hated every moment of it.. i was obviously not gonna be some mad scientist or mathematician or something like.. i enjoyed my language classes but learning too many languages confuse me.. so no English or Spanish or wutever language major.. i wasn't too good at remembering dates and #s.. absolutely SUXED at geography.. so no history major/geography/classics/politics.. etc..

basically it came down to the one thing academically i was good at in skewl.. music.. i pretty much didn't have that many options when looking for programs at skewl.. music.. and music related..
and i thought
man i would sux as a music teacher..
i dun think i would survive being a performer
music history?? sux at memorizing #'s and dates and wut not..
music therapy? i guess thats kinda works.. using music to help ppl.. sounds kinda fun.. i guess i could that..


at the same time.. i had always loved to make food.. specifically desserts.. i have always loved to eat and make them.. i had done my fair share on research in regards to entering the culinary arts.. and it seemed kinda kewl..

when presenting the options to my parents.. basically.. the typical chinese response.. be a engineer or a lawyer or an accountant or something.. something belonging to the "si" class.. and since both of my choices didn't belong in that class.. the response well wasnt too positive.... but one thing was clear. music therapy was definetly according to them a better choice than culinary especially for a girl..

and i mean tlaking to other ppl about me n music therapy.. everybody seemed so keen on me doing it.. they all thought that it suited me well.. and me being so easily coerced.. i just went along with it..

i let the decision of what to do for the rest of my life lie in the hands of others.. im not blaming my parents or friends or whoever for this.. i blame myself.. i didn't say what i needed to say or do what i needed to do.. because of my somewhat shy nature, afraidness of being singled out.. my easily pressured self.. i ended being where i am now...at a stump..

and now once again the question of me or other ppl comes up again.. my decision??? their decision??

what i want?? what they want??

the answer seems easy to make.. textbook answer: do what please yourself.. but life is always so much more complicating.. if only life were easy.. doing what i want hurts the ppl around me.. doing what they want means doing something i dun think i wanna do..

i dun kno what i do.. i sometimes just wish life were simple.. and the right answers were always so evident.. right in front of us.. but lifes not like that.. it never is..

i dun really even kno why i'm bloggin about this.. i guess its kinda be itchin to be said.. i mean its been bothering for a long time.. and i find that sometimes just letting it all get out in the open helps to make me feel better..

Confuzzled Sindy leaves her note

tagboard is up.. feel free to leave me a message :)

It bothers me that people always assume that whatever I plan on doing, I'm not being serious about.
It bothers me that people treat me as if I was a child.
It bothers me that people don't take me seriously.
It bothers me that just about everybody is against whatever it is I have to do, or want to do.

I mean.. is it really that hard to take me seriously??
Why is it that everybody thinks i'm stupid or something.. i do have the ability to think about the things i choose to do.. i have the ability to make my own decisions..

for once in my life.. i feel really really strongly about something and everyone just blows me off.. its my life and its my decision.. please for once just respect that its what i want to do.. respect my decision.. and STOP telling me its wrong.. STOP saying that you're right and I'm wrong.. cuz u kno wut.. U DON"T KNOW THAT.. no one can ever really say that they're always rite..

URGH

i really need to get this off my chest..


OMG!!! i really need to learn how to drive.. i really need to pay more attention to the things around me while i'm driving.. and most of all.. I NEED TO LOOK AT MY MIRRORS more often..
geez.. before i hit something again!!!

i hit someone's car today.. i had one of two choices:

1) hit and run
2) leave a note and tell them

and u kno wut.. #1 was really so tempting.. i really wanted to.. i mean.. if i had just left and not said anything.. i wouldn't have to pay for the big dent in his car.. OMG

but after some contemplation.. i decided to leave a note.. and i left.. and after i left.. i kept on thinking.. hmm maybe i should go and get that note back.. i really dun wanna pay.. and i really dun have the $ to pay.. and idun want my insurance and wut not to go up..

but i ended up going home.. and the guy emailed me.. and we have to talk about his dent.. geez.. of all cars to decide to dent.. i dented a friggin RSX.. and its huge friggin dent!!!!! HUGE i tell you.. a dent that will take at least a good $200-300 to get fixed.. at least!!!

but the thing that bugs me the most of all about this.. is i really wanted to just hit and run.. i mean i could have easily done it..

i mean.. i'd always thought of myself as someone who wouldn't do something like that.. or even think of doing it.. i mean.. being the person i am.. having being brought up the way i have.. i would have never actually thought i'd consider it.. and even consider going back to get the note.. OMG.. seriously.. sometimes i surprise myself.. and not necessarily in a good way..

urgh.. now i definetly need to find a job .. to pay off that guy.. i dun even kno how much exactly that stupidity of mine is gonna cost..


frig.. i am so stupid sometimes.. i do the stupidest things sometimes.. man .. i seriously think that i should lock myself in a room sometimes.. to keep me from doing the incredibly stupid thigns that i do.. URGh