so i've been dealing with a dilemna for the last lil while.. and things are so complicating..
i mean.. i thought i knew exactly what was going on.. in regards to where i was going and what i was going to study and wut not next year..

but as things seem now.. i have no idea.. well i kno where it is i wanna go and wut i wanna do.. but things dun seem to be going too smoothly for me.. main thing being..theres a very big hurdle in front of me.. and im at a stump as to what i should do.. theres basically 2 options

1) do what others are telling me... i dun piss anybody off or hurt anybody's feelings but then i kinda end up hurting my own feelings.. forcing myself to do something i dun really wanna do

2) do what it is I kno i want to do.. but resulting in people's disappointments, anger, confusion, pissed off.. and the list goes on.. i mean im not the kinda person to seriously want to do something that will hurt other ppl's feelings..

now what the hell am i suppose to do? i dun wanna be selfish and just do what i want to do.. but then at the same time.. i kinda realized that i'm at this stump because i didnt really voice my opinions back in the day..

to be honest i've never really been someone to want to go against everybody or in another words.. im kinda a follower.. have always been tho sometimes i dunt act it.. i hate being alone.. not being in a group.. i've always kinda rather be a silent member of a group than being the very active leader of the group..

and i find that often because of that i get myself into situations that i dun necessarily enjoy and miss out on the things that i do..

during the last year of high skewl.. just like any other graduating high skewl student.. i contemplated on my life.. what was i to do after graduation.. what did i want my career to be.. etc.. all those questions.. unlike some ppl.. the answers weren't clear to me at all.. i honestly didn't really know..

i mean.. academically wise.. i never was all that bright.. i mean i had alrite grades.. but i wasnt smart or anything.. i wasnt all that good at math and sciences... i worked my ass off in those classes and hated every moment of it.. i was obviously not gonna be some mad scientist or mathematician or something like.. i enjoyed my language classes but learning too many languages confuse me.. so no English or Spanish or wutever language major.. i wasn't too good at remembering dates and #s.. absolutely SUXED at geography.. so no history major/geography/classics/politics.. etc..

basically it came down to the one thing academically i was good at in skewl.. music.. i pretty much didn't have that many options when looking for programs at skewl.. music.. and music related..
and i thought
man i would sux as a music teacher..
i dun think i would survive being a performer
music history?? sux at memorizing #'s and dates and wut not..
music therapy? i guess thats kinda works.. using music to help ppl.. sounds kinda fun.. i guess i could that..


at the same time.. i had always loved to make food.. specifically desserts.. i have always loved to eat and make them.. i had done my fair share on research in regards to entering the culinary arts.. and it seemed kinda kewl..

when presenting the options to my parents.. basically.. the typical chinese response.. be a engineer or a lawyer or an accountant or something.. something belonging to the "si" class.. and since both of my choices didn't belong in that class.. the response well wasnt too positive.... but one thing was clear. music therapy was definetly according to them a better choice than culinary especially for a girl..

and i mean tlaking to other ppl about me n music therapy.. everybody seemed so keen on me doing it.. they all thought that it suited me well.. and me being so easily coerced.. i just went along with it..

i let the decision of what to do for the rest of my life lie in the hands of others.. im not blaming my parents or friends or whoever for this.. i blame myself.. i didn't say what i needed to say or do what i needed to do.. because of my somewhat shy nature, afraidness of being singled out.. my easily pressured self.. i ended being where i am now...at a stump..

and now once again the question of me or other ppl comes up again.. my decision??? their decision??

what i want?? what they want??

the answer seems easy to make.. textbook answer: do what please yourself.. but life is always so much more complicating.. if only life were easy.. doing what i want hurts the ppl around me.. doing what they want means doing something i dun think i wanna do..

i dun kno what i do.. i sometimes just wish life were simple.. and the right answers were always so evident.. right in front of us.. but lifes not like that.. it never is..

i dun really even kno why i'm bloggin about this.. i guess its kinda be itchin to be said.. i mean its been bothering for a long time.. and i find that sometimes just letting it all get out in the open helps to make me feel better..

Confuzzled Sindy leaves her note