Despite...

everything that has happened.. and despite all the things that i'm going through, i've learn some important things..

1) friends.. who is really ur friend and who isnt.. i realized who was really there for me when i needed it most.. and now i'm very grateful for friends and thankful that i have the MOST AMAZING group of them out there! in the midst of midterm season and paper season, they took the time to message me, call me, send me letters and email.. to check up on me.. see how i'm doing.. sending me their love and words of encouragements..

the best of all.. it has bought me and them closer together.. things that i was once afraid to admit.. things i was once afraid to say.. i now can.. i can do so knowing that they love me for who i am and are not judging my character, my words, my actions.. because i am who i am and they accept me for that..

ppl that i never really thought would care so much.. they have SURPRISED me!!! so incredibly much.. ppl that i once thought were more of just simple hi & bye with the occasionaly chat kinda friends.. they turned out to be a WHOLE lot more than that... they in turn ended up being people who cared more than others.. thank you.. you've made me feel a whole lot better about all of this..

and in return.. all my loving friends have me want to love them back more and more.. its a cycle i guess.. show me love and i'll show others the love that you've shown me :P

2) more about myself ...for the longest time.. that was one of my problems.. i was so afraid of what others would think of me.. what people thought.. i always did what i thought others wanted of me.. for the sake of.. not pissing anybody off.. i wanted to be liked.. i wanted to be loved by others.. not in the sense that i wanted to be the center of attention.. cuz if u kno me.. thats not who i am.. but just.. i was so afraid of not being loved..disappointing others.. failure. . and in the end.. it only bit me in the ass.. i ended up being totally afraid of doing anything and everything b/c i was afraid of failure.. i didn't want to fail.. in fact i COULDN"T fail because if i did... what would people think fo me then?

i've missed out on a lot of opportunities because of that.. i didn't do a lot of things.. say things that i needed to, and in the end ended up being regrets that i was upset about, cried about, mad about...

i'm not saying now that i'm not afraid of failure.. i still am.. but i'm slowly starting to learn to accept failure better.. i'm not as afraid of making the 1st step.. sure.. i'm still gonna fail sometimes.. but i kno that even if i fail.. i WILL be able to stand back up and try again.. its a life long process.. thats prolly excrutiatingly hard.. but i can do it..

3)bravery and courage.. i never thought of myself as someone who was brave or courageous.. in the general sense of the word.. but after much talk and thought.. i realized.. being brave and courageous.. doesn't have to mean ur a hero.. it doesn't mean u do things thats nobody else can.. it simply means.. stepping out of your boundaries.. out of ur imaginary life bubble.. and doing something that you didn't realize u could do.. finally being able to say things that u never dared to before..

in a sense.. being brave means opening yourself up.. letting people in.. i never quite realized that in a way.. it wasnt people who shut me out of their lives.. it was more of.. me not letting them in. subconsciously i was so afraid of rejection that instead of putting myself out there.. i shut myself out.

4)life is a whole lot simpler than we think it is.. we sometimes think life is oh so complicated.. that we can never truly understand life.. but really.. life is really really simple.. all its about.. is living ur days with happiness and enjoying urself.. but we often make things too complex for our own good.. and in the end.. it just confuses us more and more.. making us upset and mad and ever so confused.. but if we took the time reevaluate everything.. really its not that complicating

5)choices.. it always seems that we never have options.. we do.. we have LOTS AND LOTS of them.. we just choose not to see them.. simple as that.. sometimes its the people around us who can see that.. and its amazing when you have friends that remind u of that. we have no need of ever pouting.. and saying that .. awwww life is so hard.. i wish i had a choice.. but we do>>>
we always do.. we always have options.. and always lots of them too



once again..

Despite everything that has happened.. or is happening.. i'm glad to be going through it all.. its a part of life and i'm slowly learning each step of the way..

and b4 i end this blog.. i just wanna say thanx.. to all you special ppl out there.. for being there for me.. through everything.. i may not say it enough. and some of u may think i say it too much.. but

THANK YOU for being there
THANK YOU for listening to me
THANK YOU for you advice
THANK YOU for your words of encouragement
THANK YOU for yelling at me when i needed it most
THANK YOU for the plush comfy shoulder to cry on
THANK YOU for your existence.. because without it.. life would not be as exciting, loving, fun, and enjoyable as it is now.
THANK YOU sincerely from the bottom of my heart

am i being SELFISH by doing what i want?

decisions are so hard to make sometimes.. especially the most important ones.. i hate the fact that we always have to sacriface one thing or another in order to get through things

in my case..
choosing what i think i should, want to do would result in others being disappointed in me, their feelings hurts, and possibly even to the extent of those ppl never wanting to talk to me or be associated with me ever again

but at the same time if choose not do this.. and instead do what it is they have set out for me.. what they want for me. it only means more misery, more pain, more confusion.. and not even just for the time being or for a little while longer, it will last for a very very long time

and i will prolly feel like i've missed out on something very important in my life.. probably regret that i never did it..

that having been said.. this decision is so hard to make.. i honestly wish life was simple.. things just are either right or wrong.. decisions are clear.. you kno what u need to do.. in my mind i kno what i need to do.. i kno what i want to do.. but at the same time i'm afraid to take that step.. i don't want things b/w me n ppl to be different.. i highly value and treasure the relationships that i have that i don't want to jeopardize them in any way..

if there was ever a "perfect"decision.. a decision that would work for both parties.. where everybody is satisfied.. nobody is unhappy

the decision of me vs. others.

can't i just not choose.. or better yet.. couldn't someone just make the "perfect" decision for me?

Why couldn't life just be simple?