to this day i still dont understand..

why are we always attracted to things that we know are bad for us..
we're always so tempted by things that we kno we shouldn't do....
one would think.. with age and wisdom.. we'd learn to think beyond those things...

yet strangely enough.. i find myself in that same situation over and over again..
i kno i shouldnt.. yet i can't help it..
it hurts too much.. yet i can't break away..

all the pain and tears and stress.. its not worth it. and i know that..
but something as simple as a phone call.. and that all doesn't seem to matter anymore..

why haven't i learned?
why am i still doing this to myself?

so weird.. this time back.. everything seems so out of place.. i feel so awkward in canada.. but i shouldn't tho..

skewl doesn't feel right this time around.. my friends @ skewl seem really different.. its like we somehow grew really apart over the summer.... i seem to forgotten everything i've learned in skewl.. my interest seems to somehow have dissipated....

it feels awkward being home.. home doesn't feel like home....driving.. the roads seem different.. i don't really kno how to explain it all..

its kinda like.. somehow i don't really belong here anymore..

wuts up with that??

i've lived here for 90% of my life.. and yet strangely enough.. after living somewhere else for 4.5 months then coming back.. i don't belong anymore??

WTH?

its been a really long time since i left toronto.. and i'm really really excited to go back.. 4 days !! WOOOOOHOOOO!!! tho these last 4 months in hk have been loads of fun.. i miss toronto.. and i miss all my friends.. i miss my house.. i miss having my own room and bed :P

but most of all.. i miss the peace and quiet that is CANADA..

i'm so looking forward to taking the TTC and not having some greasy old man breathing down my neck.. looking forward to walking down the streets of T.O and not having ppl bump into me.. or slap me with their bags ..


i'm excited for school.. i can't believe i said that.. i've never been much of the nerdy type.. im excited for classs.. and getting to make more yummi cakes n stuff.. looking forward to being with my fellow chefs.....

but b4 i come back.. still got some stuff to do..

1) finish some last shopping.. contemplating whether to buy a 100GB hard drive for my laptop..
some CD's and DVD's.. some books for my mommie..some tools for skewl

2) dinner and drinks with the co-workers.. desserts with euds..

3) taking my lil cousins out to play one last time before the summer is over

4) meeting up with my ex-aunt and my cousin..

5) trip to stanley with victor

last but not least

6) gotta figure out how to pack all my crap into 2 suitcase.. they've jacked up the prices for an extra suitcase.. friggin $150US .. no way.. i thought about mailing but 30kg will easily cost me like $85CAD..




coming home soon.. yeah!!!

been back for 3 days short of 3 months.. coming back in like 51 days.. i'm excited... i miss toronto.. i miss all my friends.. i miss my house.. i miss having my own room.. i miss driving.. so much that i miss......

dun get me wrong.. i luv hk too.. i've been having fun.. doing lots in hk..

it happens every year..
from sept - aoril/may.. i miss hong kong and all my hong kong friends..
from may/june - sept.. i miss toronto and all things torontonian...

life has been pretty good...

working six days a week.. avg of 4 hrs a day.. im enjoying the relaxed atmostphere of the centre i work at...liking the kids...

loved hanging out with some torontonians in hk..

went out shopping with jo and cy in mong kok.... gotta love how jo is so complete lost in hk.. haha

saw some movies with cy....

ocean park with sammi and cy... my one and only touristy day so far.. and prolly gonna be the only one.. hahah :P we went on like one of the hottest possible days... sweated like buckets.. omg..

lunch with euds...good chats

drinks and meeting up with some old friends.. godo times

weddings galore... family trips.. playing with the lil cousins..

its been loads of fun.. and more fun to come...

friends bday drinks... beach fun.. junk boat trips.. more karoake.. more teaching.. more shopping.. :) yeah


thats enough of an update i think.. got class to teach in like 10 mins..

miss u all :)

so i've been back in hk for about a month now.. not much has happened.. haven't done anything too excited.. gone shopping.. spent some $... bought some clothes.. bought some shoes .. hung out with some friends.. watched spiderman3. (WASTE OF $$$$$$)

on a good note.. i found an internship spot...

story about that...

i was suppose to intern at this new japanese fusion restaurant in central.. i went to my interview with the exec chef.. and we started talking.. and he was this really really nice british guy.. he started telling me about his experiences in the industry and wut not.. and even tho in the end.. he decided that his soon-to-open restaurant was too busy to have an intern.. he went out of his way to call up a fellow chef friend of his to see if their restaurant was interested.. SO SO SO NICE of him.. and it worked out great..

i now have an internship spot at TRIBUTE.. his friend's restaurant.. its in lower soho.. still central area.... its a small california cuisine restaurant.. opened by a architect..small kitchen staff.. only 5 other guys.. all of whom are really funny and willing to teach :) yeah :) one of them is even kinda cute :P hahahha.. so i'm interning there from now till end of august 3X a week

still gotta find a part time job tho... so broke :( had a few interviews but they weren't quite what i was looking for.. so gotta keep on looking

leaving for a thailand trip in a lil over a week... with my fam and my aunt, uncle n 3 cousins.. haven't travelled with them in like over 10 years.. going to bangkok and river kwai.. :) gonna get a nice tan.. hopefully...excited.. cuz we get to sleep in those river huts at river kwai lodge.. haha :P



not much left to say :P

hope all of you ppl out there are having a good summer.. miss u guys

YIKES!!!!

time is running out and i still have so much to do..


3 exams left.. my 6 hour pratical, my nutrition, and my baking theory..

i'm not too worried about my nutrition or my theory.. but i'm totally freaking out for my pratical..

my pratical was suppose to be a 9 hour exam split between 3 days but beacuse of me leaving early for hk.. i got reschedule to write it this coming sunday 6 hours straight.. which in a way is good thing but in another is a bad thing..

good: get it done and over with in one day, less stress ( only one day of stress), only have to complete it in front of chef and not ppl from the industry, not completing the full exam ( only certain tasks)

bad: less time to pratice.. a very very stressful weekend.. no help from friends.. waking up really early on a sunday


i'm gonna need lots of luck.. wish me LOTS!!!

thought i'd gross you all out ..



i'm a klutz.. i sliced a chunk of my fingernail and the skin underneath in class..

it was worse yesterday.. bleeding and oozing with red skin.. better today.. pics from today :p


enjoy

if there's anything that bugs me the most.. i'd have to say it was ppl's attitude toward so called blue collar jobs.

plumbers, technicians, garbage men, maids, butlers, etc. and most importantly to me chefs.

it reallly pisses me of when ppl just automatically assume that people who have choosen those professions have only done so cuz they can't choose anything else.

i mean.. what's so wrong with all of those jobs that ppl really feel the need to insult us?

example.

a: hey. long time no see.. how have u been?
b: i've been good. what are u up to now?
a: i go to ....... university 4th year.. finishing.... degree. how bout u?
b: oh i go to george brown. i'm studying to be pastry chef.
a: pastry chef? u need to study to be one?
b: yeah. it's quite profesional and challenging.
a: Oh. (stutters for a bit) but anybody can make a cake.
b: its really not that simple.

im seriously just so tired of having to explain myself. so tired of having to defend myself to ppl. don't get me wrong. i love what i'm learning. i love proving ppl wrong about this. i love seeing their faces when i say some hardcore pastry term and they're all confused..

but it still bugs me. i mean you wouldnt go ridiculing a doctor, a teacher, a social worker, a lawyer. so what makes u think u can go ridiculing a plumber, a waiter, a chef?

life suxs..

i no longer have my own car..
my jobs are in jeopardy..
my body is deteriorating in more ways than one.. and not even just because of the car accident
i'm losing faith in myself..
i'm losing faith in others..
life has become a mess..


ppl keep on telling me its gonna be better.. things will always work out.. but i really dun feel like it will.. life just keeps on getting worse for me..


its like i'm falling into a hole.. and i don't even kno where the bottom of this hole is... at least.. if i knew where the hole was.. i kno how much worse its gonna get.. but its so dark.. i dunno kno much more of this i can take..


URGH

Why can't I break the cycle??
Why can't i just correct the wrongs?

just like clockwork.. the time comes again.. .. i find myself committing the same mistakes.. i promised my parents.. i promised my family.. i promised my friends.. and most importantly... I PROMISED MYSELF.. but why is it i can't seem to make things better??and each time i find myself getting worse and worse..

its been 4 years.. and i still haven't gotten any better.. in fact.. i've gotten much worse.. and each time.. i find myself making promises to do better.. trying to figure out ways to correct things.. it just doesn't seem to work..

each time it happens.. i just feel worse and worse.. i disappoint those around me.. they lose faith in me.. i lose faith in myself..

and yet uncontrollablly.. the cycle just continues..

i've run out of options.. and ideas.. and i just really don't know what else there is to do..

perhaps its time to just give up.. give up on this.. give up on trying.. give up on life itself..

overall.. a pretty good christmas break.. got to hang out with lots of ppl.. got to eat lots of food ( a lil too much.. haha ).. got to buy lots of stuff.. :) been good.. and this new year is going off to a pretty good start..

since school ended for the semester.. i've done lots.. gone bowling with the gbc folks.. gone to marche with the piggy.. gone shoppin way too many times.. bought too much stuff.. gone to kbbq.. gone to all u can eat jap buffet.. had 2 christmas family turkey dinners.. hot pot twice.. baked :P yeah gingerbread men.. yeah chocolate cake..

a few more days till school starts again.. still got a lot to do.. gotta grocery shop for girls dinner on thursday.. mmm food... piggy wiggy dinnner on saturday nite :)

then school starts.. time for a new semester.. gotta try a lil harder this semester.. did alright last semester.. could have done much better.. me n my stupid procastination and lazyness..

i do apologize.. this blog is slightly random and not coherent..