8869 days on this earth.. and i've finally realized it. and i'm not longer afraid to admit. at this moment in time, i really don't like the person i become. there are so many things that i wish i could change about myself. i really wish that in life there was just this rewind button that allowed us to go back in time to change anything we needed to, or in my opinion pretty much everything i've ever done.

i'm not happy with me. ive spent 24 years of my life on earth and i haven't done anything that i'm truly proud of. i've never done something that i truly loved or enjoyed. i've never worked really hard in my life. i've made up just about every excuse there is to explain my lack of determination or perseverance and or just to explain my utmost and ridiculous laziness. i don't know what it is but i just can never seem to get into it.

i have known some pretty great people in my 24 years on earth. family. friends. schoolmates. whoever. and some of these people, i truly do envy and am jealous of. some of these people know what it is they want in life and work hard to get there. some people are smart, hardworking, beautiful, kind, popular to name a few. i have always wished i could be like them. i've always wanted to be that smart athletic kid in school who got straight A's or was popular, or was particularly good at something. i never was that child. and i'm still not that person. and i don't think i ever will.

sometimes i lay awake at night just wondering and hoping and dreaming.. just maybe perhaps i'll be lucky enough to wake up the next morning to be a completely different person. someone living a different life. maybe having been given the chance to go back in time. so i could correct all the mistakes in life.

go back to elementary school.. practice the piano more. be more athletic. study more. do well in school. go back to high school.. study and try in school so i could have better grades. have better grades and get into a better university. been more courageous in everything i did. take risks. been more athletic. been a better friend. go back to my first year @ uni. attended classes, studied, did my readings, tried 100000X harder. if i had just listened to other ppl's advice and did all those things. i wouldnt be who i am now. i would be a better me. .....

and not instead be 24 years old.. still in university.. still trying to complete an undergrad.. in a far away town.. doing horribly in school.. pretty much being anti-social with like no friends.. completely not sure of who i am.. not content with who i am.

and nothing that i try to do can make this feeling go away. i try. i truly do. i make efforts to change but i cant. theres nothing more i can do. and this feeling just kills me.