突然好想你.. i cant help but continue to think of you today.. its been so many years and yet the sight and thought you brings back all the memories.

i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw you walking down that street. i so desperately wanted to run up to you as if all was the same, but yet i couldnt bring myself to even say.

and as i slowly walked back, i couldnt control the tears streaming down my face.

its been 5 years, and i thought i had let it all go. but today i suddenly missed you.

and so i'm listening to this song, trying to fight back the tears.

counting down the days..

its gonna be an eventful 2 weeks coming up :)

2 days till: I leave Tbay forever.. its been interesting living up here for the last two years.. rather useless academic wise.. but i've met some kewl ppl, and what not. glad to be leaving tho. i'm definetly more a big city person

4 days till: shopping in Michigan!!! xmas shopping & bday shopping!! woot woot!

5 days till: i'm back @ home in newmarket.. for the the next 1.5-2 years at least.. gonna start an ECE program @ seneca in january.. it'll be good :)

10 days till: MY BDAY!!! omg. i cant believe i'm turning 25. i'm getting so old.. and i feel liek i still havent done much with my life in the last 25 years..

: going to see WICKED!!! sweet!! got balcony seats for the show!! going with krystle & jo... heard its pretty good.. i've seen it before but it's still gonna be pretty awesome

11 days till: bday dinner with some friends

12 days till: bday paintball & dinner with the cds folk :P i havent gone to paintball since i was like 17.. its been a while.. it'll be good.. i'll bruise like a peach.. haha

13 days till: mini windsor reunion w/wynne & eunice.. plans feel thru to meet up during the summer.. so it'll be nice to just sit down and lunch with the girls

15 days till: i board a plane to head back to hk for the winter season :) im so looking forward to actually getting to spend christmas with my family in hk.. i havent been back in hk for almost 1.5 years now.. i havent been back for the winter time in almost 20 years.. i missed out on family xmas last year.. so i'm definetly gonna make this xmas awesome :)

lots planned for my 2 mths back in hk.. macau & water dance show with the extended fam.. lots of lunches & dinners with the fam fam.. meeting up with friends.. getting to just be there will be awesome :) possibly a family trip or two..

i'll get to see some of my previous students again while i sub-teach @ my old work.. i miss those cutie pies :P

i've really missed the uber crowded, extremely loud, and rowdy family dinners... they're loads of fun..

so yup.. exciting 15 days ahead...

and so it has been decided..

its a decision that I know nobody will understand.. a decision that nobody will like.. but its a decision that I have made.. and that I will live with.

don't get me wrong. I am in no way giving up or giving in. I just need a break from it all. im just so tired of doing things according to how people want it done.. i want to do things at my own pace.

i've come to the realization that i'm not like everybody else. i never was.. and i probably never will. i've learnt to accept that. i am ok with that now. it may sometimes still bother me.. but thats the truth. i'm me and nobody else.

why should i continue to do the things i want to according to someone else's schedule.. especially when i know its too fast-paced, too hectic for me?? i shouldnt have to compromise if i know the end result is unsatisfactory.

now comes the hard part. how do i explain it all to them?? how do i tell them that I'm yet again making more changes... how do i say it in a way that doesnt disappoint them? or disappoint them the least?

how do i tell them that everything that i had told them previously was one giant lie?

although in the end, i know it will be ok. they have always told me they'll stick with me through it all and i believe them. i just don't know how to go through with it.

oh dear God grant me the wisdom, help me to be truthful.. grant me the words..

oh dear Lord, I pray for your guidance to lead me down this path.

how many people would still luv me for who i am if they knew the real me??

in the last 5 days, i have found myself to be the butt of one too many jokes... and it makes me wonder.. are they really joking or is it what they really feel inside??

i have known these people for some many years.. and i'd like to think that they are truly my real friends..

but in the midst of all the things that are going on with my life right now, i can't help but wonder.. if i decided to change it all, would they still be there for me? would they support me and have faith in me like they said they would??

or will all the changes bring too much disappointment and sadness and betrayal for them?

its been 1 mth and i still don't know what i'm going to do.. i know what my options are yet i cant seem to decide. it seems like my life has always been about changes.. and decisions... never once has it been a conclusion. a finish line.

how i wish that i could have that life.

lots have happened since coming back to toronto in april.. most of them bad.. but it's taught me that live is a rollercoaster.. there are ups and downs.. if i never deal with the bad, the good will never come..


there's now so much that i need to figure out.. gotta make decisions.. most life changing.. and figure how to tell the ppl i luv the most why i made that choice...

do i just be honest and tell the gut wrenching truth?? or do i sugar coat it to avoid their disappointment and sadness??

aaah.. life is so complicating sometimes


on the bright side, while all this troublesome stuff is going on .. i can look forward to some fun things in my near future.. it may not make all my troubles and worries away, but it'll definetly help keep me sane and a little less stressed ...

got 2 reservations for summerlicious coming up.. get to go have some chit chat times with some good friends..

going up to bobcaygeon for beach and sun and visit my friend next week :)

and then from 28-aug 1.. i'll be in nyc for some much need r&r, shopping,and foood.. lots and lots of food..

hopefully the little time away from stress and home will give me some much need perspective on what i have to do....

Happy bday Jo!!

134 days of change.....

simple, yet achievable resolutions...

they are a little late.. i mean it is april.. usually ppl make these things at the beginnign of the year.. but oh well. better late than never..

its something new i'm doing.. ive never really been into the the whole short term goal setting/ or any goal setting to be honest. but recently come to the realization i really need to get everything sorted out in my life, or i'm once again gonna end up nowhere..

so here i am at 2:55AM in the middle of exam season.. and here are my goals.

from april 26th onwards until September 7th.. pretty much my whole summer...

1) work out at least 4 times a week.. whether it be swimming for an hour, or cardio and weights.. (surprisingly, this will be one of my easier goals.. since i'm moving into a condo for the summer w/an indoor pool and fitness room just downstairs )

2) eating a whole LOT healthier.. which means.. 95% less junk food.. less carbs.. eatting actual meals throughout the day

3) studying for my spring/summer courses.. and actually doing the readings and assignments.. that's been really one of my biggest failures.. i had previously managed to do semi-ok in uni with very minimal work.. but its not working anymore.. my brain isnt absorbing as much in a short period of time.. so i really gotta step it up now!!!!

4) save up $$ for NYC ... most likely gonna be going to NYC at the end of july/beginn of august.. so i definietly need to spend less from now till then, so i have $ for good food, shopping, broadway show, etc!!

5) spend less time on the internet.. i really really do need to cut back my time on facebook, and checking my email, and random surfing websites... if i cut back on my internet time, i will have have time to do other things like: work out, study, clean my room, read

6) have a consistent sleep schedule and pattern.. that may seem kind of stupid, but for those who know me, i have chronic insomnia.. and i can never really seem to fall asleep when i need to, hence i'm writing this at 3AM. I need to figure out a good sleep pattern that will allow to fall asleep at a decent hour, and wake up at a reasonable time, while still maintaing a certain amt of energy during the day, with little or no caffeine.

my full year goals...

1)i want to have the course creds and marks to graduate DEC 2010.. though i have decided that i will take an extra semester to pull up marks.. but that is my goal

2)when back in school, to work out at least 3 times a week..whether it be just walkign the dog, or goign for a run, or to the gym or whatever. NEED to sweat at least 3 times a week :P

3) SPEND LESS.. OMG.. one of my biggest failures.. i can't seem to ever not spend $.. not for very long periods of time at least.. i've gotten a bit better over the last 1.5 years.. bought less.. bought less frequently... bought items with a lower $$$.. but still gotta work on it..

4) have at least $2500 saved at the end of the school year... not for any particular reason.. just something i want to have done.. it may not seem like a big amt.. but this would be a big change to my "live each paycheque to paycheque" life that i currently and have in the past lived would be a VERY DRASTIC change.

5) and again.. spend less time on the internet. i want to set an actual limit like daily for myself.. i'm not sure what exactly is a plausible amt for me yet, as i really gotta test how long i can go without the internet.. but once i have set that limit for myself, i need to stick to it..


so from april 26 -sept 7.. 134 days.. I can do it!!! i can get through those 134 days.. and i can get through the rest of year !!! i can do it.. I HAVE TO DO IT!!!

8869 days on this earth.. and i've finally realized it. and i'm not longer afraid to admit. at this moment in time, i really don't like the person i become. there are so many things that i wish i could change about myself. i really wish that in life there was just this rewind button that allowed us to go back in time to change anything we needed to, or in my opinion pretty much everything i've ever done.

i'm not happy with me. ive spent 24 years of my life on earth and i haven't done anything that i'm truly proud of. i've never done something that i truly loved or enjoyed. i've never worked really hard in my life. i've made up just about every excuse there is to explain my lack of determination or perseverance and or just to explain my utmost and ridiculous laziness. i don't know what it is but i just can never seem to get into it.

i have known some pretty great people in my 24 years on earth. family. friends. schoolmates. whoever. and some of these people, i truly do envy and am jealous of. some of these people know what it is they want in life and work hard to get there. some people are smart, hardworking, beautiful, kind, popular to name a few. i have always wished i could be like them. i've always wanted to be that smart athletic kid in school who got straight A's or was popular, or was particularly good at something. i never was that child. and i'm still not that person. and i don't think i ever will.

sometimes i lay awake at night just wondering and hoping and dreaming.. just maybe perhaps i'll be lucky enough to wake up the next morning to be a completely different person. someone living a different life. maybe having been given the chance to go back in time. so i could correct all the mistakes in life.

go back to elementary school.. practice the piano more. be more athletic. study more. do well in school. go back to high school.. study and try in school so i could have better grades. have better grades and get into a better university. been more courageous in everything i did. take risks. been more athletic. been a better friend. go back to my first year @ uni. attended classes, studied, did my readings, tried 100000X harder. if i had just listened to other ppl's advice and did all those things. i wouldnt be who i am now. i would be a better me. .....

and not instead be 24 years old.. still in university.. still trying to complete an undergrad.. in a far away town.. doing horribly in school.. pretty much being anti-social with like no friends.. completely not sure of who i am.. not content with who i am.

and nothing that i try to do can make this feeling go away. i try. i truly do. i make efforts to change but i cant. theres nothing more i can do. and this feeling just kills me.

been having so much trouble getting back into the grove of things since i came back from christmas break.. don't really know why.. i'm slowly becoming more and more behind and i cant seem to catch up.. its only the 3rd week back and i'm already feeling that way.. i desperately need more Determination and Perserverance..

help help help.

THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN!!!!

not that this ever does anything.. but i like making a list..
so here it is..

things i would luv to have :) :)
1. Friends Seasons 3-7 ( wohoo.. i have season 8,9,10 now.. sweet deal @ walmart)
2. Family Guy VOL 2, 5-7 (got vol 3& 4..again a sweat deal @ walmart)
3. NIKON D60 W/18-55 VR & 55-200 NON VR (ordered!!! coming in the mail!!)
4. Coach Parker Hobo
5. Coach Poppy Tartan Large Wristlet
6. Coach Madison/Poppy Wristlet
7. Coach multi-stars spinner keychain
8. TNA hoodie (haha. i limit myself to only one each winter.. otherwise i'd go overboard)
9. Remix Lulu Hoodie in CLASSIC SPORT GREY ENCHANTED MANIFESTO
10. Remix Lulu Hoodie in BLACK/POTION PURPLE
11. SIGG bottle in Kaleidoscope (my mommi found my old bottle and brought it up to tbay for me :)
12. COLUMBIA Paris Jacket (got the Roxy Insulated Jet 5K jacket.. $30 bucks off @ west 49..)

i heart having bday $.. got to cross a couple of things off my list.. :) :)

i'm excited!!!


i have an exciting couple of weeks coming up :) :)

i'm going home in a little under 10days.. but before then..
monday: work & doing some recording for my work.. then out to dinner w/the co-workers
tuesday: shopping & going to the peak... hanging out with wynne
wednesday: half day of work.. then goign to my gramps to make him a hearty steak dinner
thurday: lunch date w/my aunt @ bo innovation ( 2 star michelin fusion restaurant in hk) SOOOOO looking forward to that. and then KHALIL FONG concert baby!!!!
friday: work. going out to lkf for the last time this summer...
saturday: work. cousin's date night.. out for dinner and to sing k with my beloved cousins
sunday: going to cheung chau
monday: last minute shopping.. possibly a food trip.. havent decided yet.
tuesday: packing packing and more packing.
wed: I"M COMING HOME!!!!!

then i'm home in TO for a couple of days..
which consists mainly of packing the house up, meeting up with friends.. and dinner @ O.NOIR!! toronto's first all dark restaurant.. sweet!!!

then sept 8th. back up to tbay.. chilling & job searching and school for a week.. just get re-settled i guess

sept 15th.. night flight back to T.O.
sept 16th..get to have a whole day with D :) :)
sept 17th. morning flight out to NYC :) :) walk/shop/eat NYC style
sept 18th. more walking/shopping/eating
sept 19th. cousin's wedding and reception :P gonna be so much fun
sept 20th. more walk/shop/eat NYC style.. and family dinner in nyc
sept 21th. morning flight back to tbay..


lots of stuff planned.. i'm excited...


my only dilemna now is, should i save up my $ from working this summer for:

1) Nikon D60 DSLR

or

2) spending $ in NYC and what not



hmmm.. what to do??

Despite my better judgement...

i chose to go back to hong kong and work at my old work place from a couple years back. i was promised a better work environment, better work hours... and innocently, i believed....


despite signing a contract to only work 30 hrs a week, i constantly find myself working over 35 hrs a week with no overtime..

office politics suck.. favouritism sucks. working long hours suck. picky parents suck. no overtime sucks. being stressed 24/7 sucks. being sick on my days off sucks..

i haven't been able to do anything this summer cuz every day i have off, i find myself spending it at home resting and sleeping. frig.

don't get me wrong. there are good things about my job. i have some wicked co-workers.. and i luv my kids..

but... i want to go home. i want to see my friends again. i want to actually start school again. and MOST of all.. I WANT TO GO TO NYC!!!

22 more days.. and i'll be home.. the days need to pass by faster

its been a month since my last post.. and so much has happened in a month.. some good.. some bad... i've learned a good amount about myself in the last month.

i've learned that:
- if i put my heart into it, i can actually do well in things i thought i couldn't
- i fall in love too easily.. and at the same time, i fall out of love too easily
- i'm not ready for the complications of love
- i'm not as grown up as i thought. despite my age

on a less serious note. i've learned that:
- tbay isnt that bad of a uni town
- despite the bad hours and not so great pay. working at east sides is great. im actually really enjoying it. so much that i'm gonna return there in september :)
- i'm starting to like tbay despite all the odds

in the last month i've come to some realizations:
- i'm not ready for a complicated relationship. im not sure i'm even ready for any relationship at this time. i thought i was but the truth is, life is complicated enough with just me. i don't think i can deal with more than just me right now. let alone another person and the baggages that come with.
- i'm glad i made the decision to come here. i'm liking all the ppl ive met. i'm actually looking forward to coming back
- i'm not as ready to move back to hk as i thought. dont get me wrong. i'm still gonna move back. it just might be a harder move than i thought. im not ready to miss out all life in canada. im not ready to miss out on the lives of all my friends. i don't wanna lose them. i don't wanna lose friendships. i dont wanna lose out.

i've had a lot of free time to contemplate lately hence all the sudden thoughts..i'm done exams. i'm done work. i'm heading home to toronto in like 25 hrs. starting my summer school courses in like 2 weeks.. then off to hk in 3 weeks. miri malaysi in 4 weeks.. which i'm super excited for. and then starting my teaching job in like june. this summer will be harder and longer than all the past. i've never done summer school. period. never ever. not even in high school. i'm not sure what to expect. and not sure how to deal with having to work 5 - 6 days a week.. and taking 3 summer courses on top of that. oh well. i guess its time to finally put the whole time managment stuff into use

slowly but surely counting down... oh i wish i could just hurry up and be done with all the school and work.. so i can hop on a plane and be in toronto.. hop on a plane and be back in hk with the fam and friends.. hop on a plane and be suntanning/diving/relaxing in malaysia

counting down. the days need to come quicker

10 more days till my last assignment is due
27 days till last day of work @ ESM
28 days till first day of exams
31 days till done ALL exams
32 days till i fly back to toronto
60 days till i fly back to hong kong
67 days till i fly to miri malaysia
72 days till i'm back in hk for the summer


its hard to concentrate on life when i'm sick, when i'm tired. when im just blah. after a certain amt of work and school, life just gets very predictable and annoying. don't get me wrong. life is good. i'm ok with how things are now, but its still very blah.

its good to just have something exciting and fun to look forward. and for me, it's definetly a 5 day trip to malaysia with my sister, and being back in hk for the summer with the fam and just getting to teach in hk again. i'm very excited for it.

67 days is too far away.. oh i wish it could come sooner.. please please please. i don't think i can stay sane for that long

its good to just be home. altho i'm not gonna be home for too long but its a much needed break from work and school.

i just got in this morning at 8am. ended up having breakie and running errands with my dad till about noon. then went shopping with jo till 5. jap food @ gal with tiff, jo, and jess. then went to watch "confessions of a shopaholic" and chinese dessert.. mmmm how i missed good asian food.

monday: lunch with sam. then possibly hanging out and dinner with dez/krystle
tuesday: possibly going out for a good meatey steak dinner DT with hsieh.
wednesday: eye doc appt..dinner DT with wynne.. and TSO concert afterwards
thursday: gotta clean and sort the crap in my room.. and hopefully an appt with my aunt. definetely am in need of a good chiro adjustment.
friday: 5pm flight to montreal to hang out with my beloved rachel :) and i'm there for the saturday, sunday, and monday
monday 23rd: in montreal till about 7pm.. then flight back to toronto en route to tbay.

and that will be the end of my reading week.. short but sweet hopefully...

then unfortanetly, back to the business of school and work.
more quizzes, book reviews, papers, group assignments, tutorials, then juries and exams. along with working 4-5 shifts a week @ east sides, plus my weekly shift for the city.

busy busy busy. at least i'll have $ for the summer.. i'm so excited for the summer.. i wish it would just hurry up and come. dont have too much planned for the summer yet, but i'm sure it'll be good.

flying back to hk may 20th. and then off to mari, malaysia for some beach fun with my sister. then maybe planning a china weekend trip with my grandma, aunt, uncle, and cousins. along with working in hk somewhere. and junk boat trips, random macau/china trips, shopping, and just getting to be in hk with family and friends :)
should be good.


really oughta head to bed. i've been awake since Saturday 2pm with only 1hr of sleep on the flight since. thats a good 36 hrs awake.. mmm.. 9hrs of continous sleep sounds soo good right now.


nite nite

SERIOUSLY!!

it makes me wonder.. did ppl's parents never teach them to be respectful? did ppl's parents never teach them to be polite? did ppl's parents never teach them not to lie? did they not teach them not to steal?


DID YOUR PARENTS NEVER TEACH YOU TO PAY FOR YOUR BILL??

geez.. seriously.. who dines and dashes anymore??

twice in a week i've seen it..

first on saturday:
these two ppl came in around 1030.. it was ufc fight night, so we were really busy.. they came in. they reaked of pot.. anyhow.. came in. ordered some food.. while waiting for their food.. the two of them were like sleeping in the booths.. completely stoned.. and after they were done.. they walked out.. i noticed that there wasnt a billfold on the table so i went and got their server and manager.. and they went out and chased them down.. got to them. the server asks them. did you guys pay? the guy responds, uh no. wth??? finally after some yelling by my manager and the server.. they're escorted back in, pay their bill and then we escort out.

last nite:
a well dressed, somewhat polite couple come in. ask for a booth. so we get it for them. they order like 6 stella's and pasta. and before we know it, they've ran out the door. didn't even finish their food. their server chases out after them. they speed away in their car, almost running over the server along the way.



like seriously??? whats wrong with ppl nowadays.. what is going through your mind to allow you to think that its possibly ok to not pay for your bill and just leave??

uh hello? its called stealing..

omg. i am such an idiot its unbelievable...

my finger went a little trigger happy while checking my school gmail acct today.. and before i know it, i've deleted every email... crap!

i needed those emails too.. there were emails about my possible hk jobs this summer... and now i don't know which places actually replied back to me.. and asked me to contact them when i was in hk.. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

i can't just go re-emailing everybody now.. crap crap crap..

tho not 100% confirmed.. but in my mind i think i've decided. 2010 academic year will be my last in canada. irregardless of the outcome that maybe, the choice is final. i wont be staying here.

as much as i love canada, i just dont see myself living here anymore. from the very first summer i went back to hk, i kinda knew that canada wasnt really the place for me anymore. perhaps it was because i enjoyed working in hong kong, or perhaps it was being able to spend more time with my family, i don't really know the exact trigger but i know its what i need to do. there are so many things with this that are unclear, and undetermined. i have 2 years to figure it out. i do have an idea of what i want.

for me, i think this has been the most determinative decision i've made in years. throughout my life, i've made so many decisions that i've either regreted or change becuase i no longer felt the decision was right. but eventually moving back to hk was something i'd thought about for a number of years. i wasn't sure when exactly i'd move.. or why i'd eventually choose to move back.. but moving back was something i had to do.

2 years seems like such a long time.. yet from another point of view.. an incredibly short amt of time too. there's lots that needs to be done between now and then. i know the next 2 years wont be an easy 2 years for me. but i'll get through it. i'll finish what i need to . and thats all that matter.

counting down the days... 25 more days till i'm home and 27 till christmas.....

sadly every time i start counting down, it seems like the days are farther and farther away. there's not much standing in the way of me and those 25 days: simply 2 exams and working. and i really do wish i had decided to go home early instead of picking up extra shifts, but i know its for the best for me to stay up here. this will probably be the first time i'm home for the holidays for such a short period of time. i hope i end up getting to hang out with everybody and see everybody before i come again because the next time i see them again will probably be thanksgiving 2009.

ive kind of got my rest of 2009 planned out already.. its quite busy and if it goes as planned, 2009-2010 will be my last year in canada for a while. i'll be back again in tbay come beginning of january.. school and work till reading week. going to montreal/tremblant. and then back to tbay for school/work and then exams. after exams i'm heading off to hk for the summer.. prolly gonna head straight for tbay after or stay in hk till mid sept, head to nyc for cousin's wedding and then back to tbay.. come christmas, i have no idea where i'll be.. as i will no longer have a home back in toronto. might stay in tbay, maybe go back to hk, might bum @ somebody's in toronto. finish the year and then head off to hong kong for good.. thats the plan at least for now.

a lot of it all rides on what i decide to do about school. i haven't quite decided if i wanna just do a B.Arts or a Hon.B.Arts in Music. i'd be done a whole lot quicker if i just did the B.Arts.. convo june 2010 or Hon.B.Arts in Music.. convo 2011/2012 depending... i don't know if i really wanna a music degree.. geeez here i go again.. i can never seem to decide what to do. irregardless of what degree i chose, i'll end up doing the same thing anyway. so the dilemna is whether i want to do an extra 2-3 yrs of school for a type of degree that i wont necessarily be using anyway, a type of degree that wouldn't particularily benefit or be of any more advantage.

so i don't know. i don't even know why exactly i'm ranting tonight at 1am. perhaps i'm jsut being like always and procastinating. god knows i should be studying for an exam i have on monday or even sleeping instead of bumming around watching tv, movies and surfing the net. oops

its coming up.. not as soon as i would like.. and its sad that this year i wont be home for it.. but hopefully i'll be doing something exciting up in tbay for it..

my birthday wishlist:

not that anybody is gonna buy any of these things.. but i like to make a list none the less...


Billabong Hoodie
Roxy Luggage Set
Roxy Shoes
Winter Boots
Coach Violet Clutch
Coach Magenta Carly
Coach Berry Wallet
Tattersall Bracelet
Coach Ring
Coach Ring
Leehom New CD - which my sister has preorder for me already!! yeah miranda...
Winter Boots in Moonlight Ivory
TNA Cowichan Sweater - my mommie bought this for me already .. how nice :P
Nikon Coolpix 10.1MP Digital Camera (P80)
MacBook . i thought i'd never say it.. but i've starting liking the mac
Sorel Winter Boots in Kettle.. cuz winter up here is freakin insane....


not much else to say.. i'm gonna go bake a cake now.. hmm.. chanterelle's chocolate souffle cake sounds good...